OVER 600 OF THE BEST TEXT MESSAGES EVER SENT

Jackos stuck in his hotel before the trial
He sends his bodyguard out for a DVD
Shall i get Aladdin? says the bodyguard
FUCK OFF! Sez Jacko im in enough trouble!

Whats the difference between pink and purple?Her grip!!

 

Its goes n dry but comes out wet, the longer it stays n the betta it gets. When comes out it drips & sags, its not what you think, its a tea bag you freak

A recent survey reveals that 70% of scousers have had sex in the shower.The other 30% have not been to prison yet!

 

i want you inside of me… take me out and show me off to ure mates… you can slip into me anytime you like, well thats what my T-shirt told me!!!
how to make a texan girl suck your dick- just put some ranch dressing on it
2468 feelin horny cnt wait
3579 wnt ur body next 2 mine
ABCD cum n lay on top of me
UVWX txt me wen u feel like sex
If your bi, just get high, fuck a chick then get her high, start all over again, and fuck her men.
Lets play a game of hide and seek, i will hide and you can seek, if you find me you can fuck me if not i’ll be in the cupboard
god made whisky god made pepsi
god made me so ****ing sexy
god made rivers god made lakes
god made u
we all make mistakes

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of Museli?He was pulled under by a strong currant!!

 

i have opened an emotional
bank account 4 u in my heart…
deposite ur friendship in it
& i will make sure that u receive
interest as long as i m alive……..
Treat ur women like u treat ur hoover-when it stops suckin change the bag!
There was a woman goin 2 a fancy dress party she said 2 her husband “iv nothin 2 wear” husband replied “pull ur fanny flaps ova ur head & go as a sugar puff”
Id fuck u sitin
Id fuck u lying
If u ad wings
Id fuck u flyin
& wen ur ded & almost 4goten
Il dig u up & fuck u roten
Do u take me 2 b ur lawful txt m8, 2 av & 2 hold in rich quotes & horny jokes, in txt matrimony & in poor signal, til low battery & no reception do us part?
Sex is good,
Sex is fine,
Doggy style
Or 69
Just 4 fun
or gettin paid
Everyone loves gettin laid
So if you want me in the sack
Lick ya lips and txt me bk x
MARRIAGE IS LIKE A THREE RING CIRCUS AN:A ENGAGEMENT RING, AND A WEDDING RING, AND SUFFERING
Always start your day with a lot of S E X!
S-mile
E-nergy
X-citement
so remember always make S E X a daily habit!
U tuk my heart wid ur smile, u took ma soul wid ur sweetness, bt mst of all u took my money wid dis tex!!!
Women eh? Boob jobs, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys n clits. Eyebrows plucked, bikini lines and legs waxed & they wont take it up the arse cos it HURTS!
New budget:all boobs will be taxed according to sizes,40-42 burden tax, 38-40 wealth tax,34-36 entertainment tax,32-34 excitment tax,26-30 development tax
Name 5 roadsigns that best describe a female pussy:
1)deep excavation
2)slippery when wet
3)slow down on curves
4)stop on red signs
5)man at work
A prostitute’s nursery rhyme:
1-2 let us screw,3-4 i am a whore,5-6 suck the dick,7-8 ejaculate,9-10 fuck again
A Ladies prayer: O holy man, lay down wiv me on ur holy bed, let ur holy pole, enter my fat hole. So dat ur holy water can produce a holy soul. AAHH…MEN.
body to body, skin to skin. Open your legs and let me in
A GIRL ASKS: why cows seem depressed wen being milked?
TEACHER: if every morning at dawn they rubbed your boobs 4 two hours n
don’t fuck u, HOW WUD U FEEL?
A G0OD FRIEND, IS LIKE A GO0D BRA…. HARD 2 FIND, C0MF0RTABLE, SUPP0RTIVE, PREVENTS U FR0M FALLING,HOLDS U TIGHT,AND ALWAYS
CLOSE 2 UR HEART…UR MY BRA xxx
A woman is like a kentukey fried chicken, it has legs, *beep* & a greasy box 2 stick ur bone in
sex is like nokia (connecting people) like nike (just do it) like pepsi (ask for more) and like samsung (everybody is invited)
The best anti-virus program for a computer is SAFE-SEX.
Leave the plastic cover on the floppy when inserting in drive
How does a vagina look before sex? Like a lovely pink rose! And after sex? Ever seen a Bulldog eating Mayonaise??
You are an unwanted child. Your parents paid the medical expenses for your birth with their accident insurance.
When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!
when an unexpected flutter of joy runs through ur viens its probably mine dancing on urs and when u smile for no reason its b/coz iam thinking about u..
you are so beautiful when you pass by the toilet it flashes itself.
men r like a pack of cards, need a heart 2 love him, a diamond 2 marry him, a club to smash his fuckin head in, and a spade 2 bury the cunt!
NEWSFLASH……………
and independant study has proven that those who have a bad sex life and who are crap in bed…….
are reading this message in their right hand..
Sex + drugs + rock + rave lets get drunk & misbehave. on weed + speed + little e’s we’ll get high and talk 2 trees. u only live once and then u die, so fuck em all and lets get high..
wat’s the difference between a mobile phone and a clit???
Nothing…… every cunt has 1 and all you need is fingers 2 turn it on.
if i have the letters ‘HRT’ i can add ‘EA’ and get a ‘HEART’ or add a ‘U’ and get ‘HURT’. but i’d rather choose ‘U’ and get ‘HURT’ then have a ‘HEART’ without ‘U’.
CHANNEL NINE STATEMENT…
in response 2 complaints that there r not enough aboriginals on tv…
crime stoppers will now be shown twice a day.
4 miracles of a woman.
getting WET.. without taking a shower, BLEEDING.. without getting hurt, giving MILK without eating grass,
and making boneless flesh hard.
When God made girls He was so proud. When God made boys He was so upset. When God made me He was just showing off!
God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.
Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday
How women think about sex:at 8 ignore it,Age 18 experience it,Age 28 look 4 it,Age 38 ask 4 it,Age 48 beg 4 it,Age 58 pay 4 it,Age 68 pray it,Age 78 4get it!
Last night I lay in my bed looking @ the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky… Then I thought,where to fuck is my roof?!
If i was a priest,
and you were a nun,
theyd be no chance of me making you cum
Gud news im no priest
and neither are you,
so lets meet tonight say about 2
men are like roses, watch out for the pricks!
YOU WANT MORE!
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I was born beautiful, but what the hell happened to you?
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage..as they are wiser to the fact tht 4 200grams of sausage it is not worth buyin the whole pig!
a family of 3 prossies live togetherthe mum charges £30 4 a bj the daughter charges £60 + the gran is just glad of a warm drink
3770HSSV 0773H
Crack the code yet?
Heres a clue…….
Turn ur phone upside down!!!!
a woman goes in to hospital for a fanny transplant … but the surgeons can’t start the op, as the replacement cunt is reading this message!
man in hotel accidentally bumps in to a woman’s boobs and says “if ur heart is as soft as ur boobs you’ll forgive me,” and she replies, “and if ur cock is as hard as ur elbow, i am in room number 40!”
spider spider on the wall, you think ur smart you know fuck all! ur on a wall that’s just been plastered, now ur stuck you stupid bastard!
jack and jill went up the hill so jack could lick jill’s fanny, but poor jack’s gob was filled with knob cos jill’s a fuckin tranny!
jack and jill went up the hill to have a little fun, but poor old jill forgot the pill and now they have a son!
man goes down on a woman, man says” fuck that stinks” she says “it’s arthritis”, “in your cunt”he replies, “no” says the woman, “in my shoulder i cant wipe my arse”
Q: when did pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: when his hand caught on fire.
jack and jill went up the hill
so jack could lick jill’s fanny
jack went down, but came up with a frown
when he realised jill was a tranny.
mary had 2 little lambs, their names were jack and gypsy, both of them got foot & mouth, and now their balck and crispy.
mary had a little lamb, it’s mouth was full of blisters,
now its burning on the fire with its brothers and sisters
Q: whats a 65 yr old woman got betwwen her legs that a 25 yr old a’int?
A: nipples.
chinese man:me no come work, me sick
boss:when i’m sick, i have sex with my wife, try it?
2 hrs l8rchinese man called back:
it work, me better, u got nice house.
blonde in car crash; “i think i have concussion”,paramedic asks,”how many fingers have i got up?, she replies,”oh fuck im paralysed too
3 prostitutes:
mum charged £60 for a blow job, daughter charged £80 for a blow job, and grandma was just glad of the warm drink

what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?He wiped his arse.

kissing you baby ie my dream.Im the strawberry & ur the cream.Handle me gently keep me real keen u& i together babes is possion so extreme
Man goes to the doctors after being raped by an elephant. Doctor says funny that your ass is 10″ wide but an elephant’s cock is only 3″ wide, The man replies yes but the bastard fingered me first!
I’m at da police station, they caught me & filed a case agaist me. I’m *beep* cos da evidence is very clear, they are charging me wid “POSESSION OF A CUTE SMILE!” HaHa!
The *beep* poem. This is a hole that never heals. the more u rub it the better it feels, but all th esoap from hear to *beep* can never remove that *beep* Smell!
sex is like a maths test: me plus u subtracked the cloths add the bed divied the legs multiply the orgasms fancy a maths test??
Roses R red, Pickeles R green, Open ur legs, I’ll lick U clean.
name the 5 great Kings that brought happiness in peoples lives ?answer
driKing
licKing
sucKing
ing &
wanKing
A train is bout 2 crash!A frantic virgin strips off & says “can any1 make me feel like a woman b4 i die?” So a man takes off his clothes & says “iron these!”
i got a job in tesco working on wines and spirts, but i got the sack after 1 day. an asylum seeker came in and asked 4 a good port.i said DOVER now fu*k off!
hi dont panic but im in hospital,think ive poisoned myself. used a dafodil bulb in a cheese butty instaed of an onion. dont worry ill be out in the spring
Hello ! This is your mobile. I just wanted to get out of your pocket. The smell next to your balls is unbearable. By the way, I think your dick is dead!
hickory dickory dock, dis bitch was suckin me cock. the clock struck 2 me squirted me goo and wiped me dick on her frock!
The fanny poem
This is a hole that never heals, the more you rub it the better it feels, and all the soap from here to hell can never get rid of that fuckin smell!
why is a xmas tree better than a man?
It stays erect 24 7, it’s got cute balls hanging and it looks good with the lights on!
i need a hug,
i need touch,
i need tender,
i need a kiss,
i need love,
i need you!
why do guyz get their best ideas during sex?
coz they r plugged into a FUCKING GENIUS
sex is good
sex is class
whip me baby
spank my arse
doggy style 69
lick me out
make me smile
if u want me in the sac
lick ur lips and txt me back
Spider spider on the wall u fink ur gud u no fuck all ur on the wall thats jst bin plastered now ur stuck u stupid bastard !!!!
370HSSV 0773H
.
cracked the code yet? here’s a clue…turn ur fone upside down…
Today is international day for the Mentally Disabled. Please send an encouraging SMS to a mentally retarded friend as i have now done….
a thousand words wont bring u back, i know because i’ve tried, & neither will a thousand tears i kno becos i’ve cried, they say memories are golden and often that is true, but i neva wanted memories, i’ve only wanted u!
QUESTION)Wots the difference between ur job & ur girlfriend? ANSWER)ur job always sucks!!!!!
Why is a woman like a bucket of KFC?Because once your past the tender breast and the juicey thigh all u have left is a greasy box to put your bone in!
I met this prostitute who charges by the inch.no good to me but she’d be a cheep fuck for you!
At the ultimate point of a woman’s orgasmic climax what is her asshole normally doing?Drinking down the pub with his mates
Fact: a woman can guide a 1.5″ diameter penis into an inch diameter vagina in the pitch dark without looking, but can’t park a 6ft car in a 10 ft space in daylight.
Old chinese proverb says “man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok”
kissing is a gamble love is a game,
you do the actions i take the blame,
you say that i am sexy you say that i am fine but nine months later you say it isn’t mine.
I WANT U 2 NO THAT OUR FRENDSHIP MEANS ALOT 2 ME,U CRY,I CRY,U LAF,I LAF,U JUMP OUTA A WINDO..I LOOK DWN AND THEN…… I LAF AGEN!!!
One day you will ask me what is more important to me you or my life i will say my life and you will walk out and leave me not even realising that YOU ARE MY LIFE!!!
men is fall in love thts natural,cow eat gras its ok but monkey presing keys,0ops Unbelievable its still pressing keys, wow wow are its stil presin
YOU STILL WANT MORE!
After great sex she lies there stroking his *beep*, he looks at her and asks if she wants more sex, she looks back at him and says “no im just admirin ur *beep* cuz i really miss mine”
a little girl see’s 2 dogs at it, her mum tells her they r baking cakes the little girl says “i kno, u and daddy were baking cakes last night cuz i licked the icing off the sofa”
youre teeth are sooo yellow! I cant believe its not butter!
what does wife stand for? Washing Ironing *beep* Etc
When it hurts to look back… and u r scared to look ahead….. look beside u ill always be there 4 u?
U picked me up.u took me home.u put ur hands around my waist.u took off my top den u put ur lips om mine.THANK GOD im a bottle of PEPSI.
a little girl see’s 2 dogs at it, her mum tells her they r baking cakes the little girl says “i kno, u and daddy were baking cakes last night cuz i licked the icing off the sofa”
God made Coke, God made Pepsi. God made me so damn sexy. God made rivers, God made lakes. God made you….Well, we all make mistakes.
I want u 2 know ur friendship means alot 2 me,n if we we’re on a sinkin ship 2gether n there was only 1 lifejacket …… i would really FUCKIN MISS U!!
A banana & a vibrator sitting on a bedside table. Banana says to vibrator “I dont knoe why you are shaking, shes gonna eat me!!”
X35 (l33U
h77V3J + hUJOH
W,I 3W d73H
35V37d
Can you crack the code? If not
try turning your phone upside
down…
how do you confuse a wanker?…………………….a.32
AN ELEPHANT ASKS A CAMEL TEL ME Y R UR TITS ON UR BACK WEL THE CAMEL REPLIES OFFENDED THATS A STRANGE QUESTION FROM SOME1 WHOSE DICK IS ON HIS FACE
John & Jim were having anal sex when John says “I’ve AIDS”. “Dear God” cries Jim. “Only messing says John, I just love the way u tighten your arse when I say it”
Do you like maths?if so add a bed subtract ur clothes divide your legs and we can multiply!
I wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you cuddled it, you cuddled me instead
I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Every thucking day!
there is hot sex.fast sex.group sex.safe sex.leather sex.telephone sex and for people wiv a face like urs theres………….masturbation
T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network
HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN: caress excite cuddle fascinate spoil kiss rub tease pamper console worship respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN: blow job
Latest porn releases:shaving private ryan.position impossible.as big as it gets.forest hump.riding miss daisy.starwhores and pornocchio
Mr&Mrs Blobby r lyin in bed 1 nite Mrs Bloby turns 2 mr bloby & says ‘bluba lluba lupblub’ mr bloby turns & says ‘shut the fuck up and swallow bitch!
If u had sex 365 times in 12 months & u melted down the condoms to make a tyre.what would u call it?……….. a f**king Goodyear
ever wondered y women wear black panties? its a way of saying:IN MEMORY OF THOSE WHO WHERE BURIED HERE.
what does a DWARF get when he walks between womens legs? A CLIT ROUND THE EAR!!!!
Did you hear about the mouse who took Viagra? Half an hour later he was walking around the kitchen shouting: “Where’s the Fucking Pussy now
The weight of an average pair of tits is 1.5 kg. Scientists have yet 2 work out the average weight of a cunt. So if u could pop on the scales and ring me back..
Viagra now available in eye drops, you don’t get an erection but you look fucking hard!
As I lie awake in my bed.All sorts of thought run through my head,Like why do I love u as much as I do.den I realise its because u r u!
I have liked many but loved very few.yet no-one has been as sweet as u.I’d stand and wait in the worlds longest queue.just for the pleasure of a moment with u.
If i were a tear in ur eye i wood roll down onto ur lips.But if u were a tear in my eye i wood never cry as i wood be afraid 2 lose u!
If luvs a disease den im very ill.but i dont want medicine i wont take no pill.i will suffer dis illness cos it makes me see exactly how much u mean 2 me!
The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2.If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?
i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window… I look down & den… i lauf again
A man can kiss his wife goodbye.A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass!
It’s important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It’s also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet.!
i tried to call you from a payphone last night. i put my doner card in by mistake, it cost me an arm and a leg!
id luv 2 take u 4 a romantic dinner, sit by candlelight,shower u with kisses & whisper those 3 magical words………..pay the bill
Roses are red
Violets are blue
your mums a cracker
what happened to you
Being a student is so much fun.Wen you have degrees in playing with tongues. If you’ll be my teacher in how tongues flew. We’ll both graduate in hot oral sex
I had a wet dream about you last nite. I pissed myself laughin when you fell off the cliff
Let it dribble let it flow. Turn me over go real slow. Spank me hard then pick up speed. A real good Fuck is wat i need
Boy says I love you. You believe its true. 9 months later he sez 2 hell wiv you. Baby’s a bastard, mothers a whore. This wouldnt have happened if the rubber hadnt tore
When I was a girl I had a little quim. I sat upon my bed one nite & put a finger in. Now I’m a woman and full of grace & Charm. I can get 4 fingers in & half my FUCKING arm
oral sex can be so fine
when ur in a 69
u start 2 moan
shake & quiver
til u cum like a river
when ur done
don’t be insane
just wipe ur knob & start again
If I could rewrite the alphabet I’d put U and I together!
If loving you is wrong,then I don’t wanna be right.My love for you is strong and brighter then any light.The way we must go is long,but we’ll win every fight.
If a big fat man creeps into your bedroom one night and stuffs you into a bag, Then do not worry ’cause I told Santa I wanted you for christmas!
A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum. A kiss ain’t a kiss without a tongue. So open your mouth and close your eyes and give your tongue some exercise
What’s the difference between your job and your wife?Your job still
sucks after five years!
EVEN MORE THAN THAT!
Whats live ?
Live is love.
Whats love ?
Love is kissing.
Whats kissing ?
Come here and I show you.
Press down please one more time ,ok more YES ahh ohh yes just there yeah baby harder, HARDER,this feels SO GOOD!mmm yeah baby now THAT’S TEXTUAL INTERCOURSE!!
RECIPE 4 LUV CAKE:spread legs,squeeze + massage milk pots,check frequently with midfinger,add banana,work in-out till well
creamed.Cake done when banana soft!!!
Tell me, is it
going in? YEAH.
is it hurting?
oh yeah ouch
its huring.OH
i will put it
slowly. still
hurting?.Aah
Yeah.then
lets try the other SHOE SIR
uv been called b4 cupids court 4 stealin my heart, tresspassin in my dreams
& robin me of my senses, uv been sentenced 2 a lifetime wiv me, how do u
plead?
whats the difference between divorce and circumcision? with divorce U get rid of the whole prick!!
There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what’s a prick, her mother said Tanya it goes up your fanny and jumps up and down till it’s sick.
At this moment 5 million are having sex
2 million are in gun fights
91milliom at a party and
one sad fucker is reading this SMS
You think Im a bitch, but Im actually quite pleasant, until Im awake!
This sms can only be readed by someone SEXY:…try again…again…maybe you are just not sexy?…one more time…hey don’t force it ugly!!!
Press Down
….
….
….
Press Up
….
….
….
Oh! ur phone is working then, U LIAR!
little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed along came a spider
skinned up beside her and sold her some acid and speed
Roses are red,
violence are blue,
Someone like you
belongs to the zoo!
A phone is a form of communication, a kiss is a form of affection, a picture is a form of remembrance, CHOOSING me as ur friend is a form of… Good Taste!
Did someone forget an important date?
Everyone has a photographic memory, you just don’t have any film.
I asked God 4 a
Flower
he gave me a garden
I asked 4 a tree
he gave a forest
I asked 4 a river
he gave me an Ocean
I asked 4 an ANGEL
he gave me YOU
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
At 1st a little nibble- a slow & temptin lick.i suck & munch my liquid lunch & den i swallow quick! CADBURYS CREAM EGG HOW DO U EAT URS?
come here.take off ur pants and get on top of me….enjoy me until ur totally satisfied lovingly urs TOILET!!!!
U picked me up.u took me home.u put ur hands around my waist.u took off my top den u put ur lips om mine.THANK GOD im a bottle of PEPSI.
Whats rough and hairy on the outside and soft and wet in the inside starts with C ends in T and has a U & a N in it? …. Answer – a coconut u pervert.
What is 10 inches long- 2inches thick and starts with a p??? A really good crap
From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue feels, the way u tighten and loosen mmmmmmmmmmmmm…………..NEW SHOES!!!!!!!!!!
This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience
God made butter god made cheese god made you for me to squeeze god made whiskey god made pepsi and when he made you he made you SEXY!
If U delete this message thats bcoz u love me. If u save it thats bcoz u desire me & if u ignore it thats bcoz u miss me. So what u gonna do with IT?
friendship is like pissing in your pants every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 bing the piss in my pants xxxx
Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life.John came fifth he won a toaster
Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i’m playin cards n i’m missin the joker!!
I think i should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!!!!!
get a life,lose a wife
OFFICAL. the sex position most used by married couples is doggy. he sits up and begs, she rolls over and plays dead.
£15 flowers £25 dinner £15 movie £10 drinks but the look on her face when you stick your cock up her ass.. PRICELESS
the sad life of a penis: i only have 1 eye, my hair’s a mess, my skin is wrinkly, my relativess are nuts, my neighbour’s an arsehole and my best friend’s a cunt!
if i tell you this ur not to tell anyone,ur the only one ive told so far cos your a good friend but guess whos due in 2 months!… FUCKING SANTA
q, if a woman is uncomfortable watching u wank, do u think A:u need more time together. B she’s a fuckin prude.C: she should have sat elsewhere on the bus.
1st girl:’what would you give a man who has everything?’
2nd girl:’Encouragement’
Spicy up your sex life by trying a bit of(rodeosex) take her from behind and holding on tightly call her the wrong name.see how long u can stay mounted 4
i just got my medical results. my condition is critical,as days pass by i bcom SEXIER & SEXIER but dnt worry its not contagious……u wont get it!
hheelloo iiss tthaatt tthee sseexx sshoopp tthatt ssoolldd mmee tthee vviibrrattorr?’yes’ hooww ddoo ii ttuurrnn tthhee ffu!!kkerr ooff??
Boy asked his mom “is it wrong to have a willy?””No why”she replies.”Well dads sweating like fuck trying 2 pull his off”
Man pinches wifes breasts and says if we firm these up we can get rid of the bra. Wife grabs his penis & says if we firm this up we can get rid of the milkman.
Man & his wife at the Dr’s. Doc bad news she’s got either alzhiemers or aids.Man:how will we know?Doc:Put her on the bus. if she comes back dont fuck her!
blond phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire. The fireman asks ‘how do we get there?’ Hellooo! she replies – in the fu!cking red truck!!
What’s the diference between a blonde girl and a mosquito? If you slap a mosquito it stops sucking!!!
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
Trivia: Having a good laugh with friends stimulates endorphins, the brain’s natural painkillers. So if you need to laugh and you can’t find a friend, I can lend you a mirror.
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!

In a survey of American women, when asked, would you sleep with President Clinton”, 86% replied, not again”

Drink until she’s cute But stop before the wedding!
You’ve got SEX APPEAL … u’ve got INTELLIGENCE … u’ve got CLASS … u got da FACE, u got da BODY … I got the wrong number … SORRY

This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, an cat ,idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it without the word cat!

Hear about the guy who put together a jigsaw puzzle in 5 days? He was real proud! The box said 3-6 years
This is a cock sucker detector: Please blow in the phone… scanning…. The test was positive 90% sperm breath… COCK SUCKER!!!
2 cannibls are eating a clown. The first cannibl turns to the other and says does this taste funny to U?
It takes patience to keep a nagging wife; fortune to keep an ambitious wife; four eyes to keep a pretty wife.
What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer
Q: What will a blonde ask you if you tell her she’s pregnat? A: “Is it mine?”

A husband and wife go in2 an art gallery. they r lookin @ a sculpture of a woman, naked xcept 4 a few fig leaves. afta a while the woman walks on, but the man stays there starin. his wife calls back ‘com on dear wot r u w8in 4?’ ‘autumn’ replies the husband.

What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I’m home!
Why are most blonde jokes one-liners? So men will understand them
What did God say after creating man? I can do much better.
Somewhere, some1 dreams of your smile & finds your presence in life so worthwhile. So when your lonely, remember its true that some1, somewhere, is thinking of U.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense…………?? Tell you later……..
Q: What’s the definition of Trust? A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Girls are like celfones, they like to be held & talked to, but press the wrong button and you’re disconnected.

The police r lookin 4 a suspect who is sexy, witty, and v.gorgeous. Thy hav already eliminated you from T list but where d u think i should hide??

5 differences between Turkish and E.T.: E.T. looked better, learned English, had his own bike, came alone and he wanted to go HOME!
How do you keep a blonde busy all day? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear.
Thre is a man waiting 4 a bus and nxt to him is a head. The man says to the head “How are you getting on?”
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
HALLO, this is your mobile. There is no particular problem. I just wanted to leave your pocket, want the smell is unbearable!!!

Do you ever notice that when u’re driving, anyone going slower than u is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

When a man talks dirty 2 a women, its sexual harassment when a women talks dirty 2 a man, its £3.95 per minute!
Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now….. sorry I will leave, I can’t find a brain.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant
Why did they call it PMS? Mad cow disease was already taken!
Wot do U do if a blonde throws a grenade at U? Take v pin out & throw it back.
I am not your type … I am not inflatable.
roses are red, violets are blue, most poems ryhm, but this one doesn’t…
Those beautiful eyes, that incredible body, such a brain, a sexy mouth, nice smile …. but that is enough about me, tell me how you are?

How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Q: What’s difference between Yoghurt and Australia?
A: One has a real live culture.

 

    This sms can only be read by someone SEXY:…try again…again…maybe you are just not sexy?…one more time…hey don’t force it ugly!!!

 

Text messaging is like a blow-job of an amateur prostitute; short, sweet and always cheap!!!
HIM:”Why can’t I tell when you have an orgasm?” HER:”Because you’re never home when it happens!”
How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
How did you find the steak, sir? I just moved the potato and there it was.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don’t know. Never happens.
SO MANY TEXT’S NOT ENOUGH TIME !
The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”
Did I not see you yesterday at the mall, with a grey jacket? No? O, than it was a rubbish bag after all! .
There is hot -sex fast -sex group-sex safe-sex telephone -sex and for people
with your face no sex
Tell me, is it going in? YEAH. is it hurting? oh yeah ouch its huring.OH i will put it slowly. still
hurting?.Aah Yeah.then lets try the other SHOE SIR!
do u know WHO is the best goolkeeper in this world ? ANSWER: WOMEN, no
matter how much and which way u fuck her, ur balls will never go in.
Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?
Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything … dial my number!
This sms can only be readed by someone SEXY:… try again… again… maybe you are just not sexy?… one more time… hey don’t force it, ugly!!!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it.
Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 20 pounds and a mother-in-law.
Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
I wanted to send you all my love but the postmen said it was too big!
Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
While walking down the street, I heard an old man say “I’ve been in love with the same woman for almost 50 years now.” I was touched until I heard him say “I wish she knew.”
Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn’t take his foot of the accelerator.
BEEB! Send this message to 5 of your friends and you will have unbelieveble sex tonight! If you break this chain, you’ll never have multiple orgasm again!
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
Sex is like pizza. When its good, its VERY GOOD. When its bad, its still pretty good (:
Birdy birdy in the sky, left a poopie in my eye. Me don’t care, me don’t cry, me just happy that a cow can’t fly!!
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.
A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.
I like your style … I like your class … but most of all I like your ass!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
What does “FUCK” mean?! F=Forever i love u, U=Unhappy without u, C=Care about u ,K=Kiss u with a hug, so i give u the biggest F.U.C.K. 4ever!
1 tree can start a forest. 1 smyl can start a friendship. 1 touch can show u care. 1 frnd can make lyf worth living. 10x 4 being a friend.
Everytime I hear my message tone,I always hope one of them comes from U. My SIM CARD may have limited memory,but my SIM HEART has unlimited space for U.
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
It’s no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Between the thousand yesterdays and a million tomorrows, there’s only one today and I wouldn’t let this day pass without saying this to you – I LOVE YOU
I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbor … what say we tie up for the night?
Yesterday is history…. Tomorrow is a mystery…. Today is a gift…. That’s why its called the present!
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
How do you make a woman’s brain the size of a pea? Inflate it.
I’m not sure what life could bring you. I’m not sure if dreams do come true. I’m not sure what love can do. But I’m sure about one thing. I love you
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Newsflash: Police are looking for a suspect who’s smart, sexy, witty and very gorgeous. They’ve already eliminated you from the list of suspects. Where do you think I should hide?
When the night comes, look at the sky. If you see a falling star, don’t wonder why, just make a wish. Trust me, it will come true, ’cause I did it and I found you!
Why was Phillip’s girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

 

    20% of the population is now drinking coffee, 60% is having sex, 19% is watching television and one yokel is now holding his mobile in his hand

 

If I had a penny for everytime I thought of you, I’d still miss you, but at least I would be rich enough to come and see you!!!
Confucious say Man have more hair on chest than woman – but on the whole woman have more.
Press Down Keep going Oh yesThats it FASTER HARDER Dont Stop YES YES YES Mmmm! That was TEXTUAL INTERCOURSE 🙂
A woman likes to have four animals in the house: a jaguar in front of the doorway, a fox in the closet, a bull in bed, and a numbskulll to pay for this all.
Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
Are these your eyes, I found them between my brests!
Come on take your kit off and get on top of me…. Enjoy me until U R totally satisfied. Lovingly yours… Toilet 🙂
JUST OVER HALF WAY!
In case of fire read this message……… I said in case of fire you fucking idiot!
Roses are red. Violets are corny. When i think of you – Ohh baby I get horny!!!
I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day. It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable. I was supposed 2buy it 4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION.
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties.
Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well…Enough about ME! How about you?
What is live ? Live is love. Whats love ? Love is kissing. Whats kissing ? Come here and I show you.
The word HELLO means: H=How are you? E=Evrything alright? L=Like 2 hear from you! L=Love 2 see you soon O=Obviously I miss you..SO, HELLO!
If you would see yourself the way I do, you would wish you where as beautiful as you …
You got the style. You got the intelligence and you sure got the body!
A bear and rabbit are taking a shit in the woods when the
bear turns to the rabbit and says do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur the rabbit turns and says no! So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Are you free for the rest of your life?
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Hello, I’m a thief and I’m here to steal your heart!
Eat me; Beat me ;Bite me; Blow me; Suck me; Fuck me; Very slowly; if you kiss me; dont be sassy; Use your tongue and make it nasty.
Your daddy must be a terrorist because you are DA BOMB!
It must have been a rainy day when you were born..Heaven was crying ‘cus it lost its most beautiful angel!
I must have been born under a lucky star, to find a friend as nice as you are, and I will follow the rainbow until the end, if you promis forever to be my friend!
If love is a crime, lock me up, i’m guilty baby
Oh right then! Straight to the point! I want you right here, right now!
Q: how do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she’s pregnant.
Do you know that you would look great with two pounds less … in my opinion those clothes weigh exactly two pounds !
There are so many people in the world but in my world there’s only one and that’s you!!!
You are just like a Bounty … a piece of paradise on earth!
Do your feet never hurt ???? … You are wondering around my thoughts all day long….
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: Who cares?
Love is in the air… shit if only I had a plane right now
I love all the stars in the sky, but they are nothing compared to the ones in your eyes!
Be smart, be clever, put me in your heart, 4-ever.
If one night a big fat man jumps in at your window grabs you and puts you in a sack don’t worry I told Santa I wanted you for CHRISTMAS
Passion running trough my veins, trembling, waiting, reason is fading. Overpowering desire sets my skin on fire!
There is Hot-sex, Fast-sex, Group-sex, Safe-sex, Leather-sex, Telephone-sex, and for people like you …NO SEX !
Can you see me? no? Turn around, can you see me now? no? Turn again, can you see me now? I can see you because you have a special place in my heart!
What are the two words you don’t want to hear when you’re standing at a public urinal? A: “Nice dick.”
What ever you say, what ever you do, I will always love you
I could travel the world, swim the seas, I could climb all the mountains, but one thing I can’t do is reach your heart, coze U wont let me.
I may not be as pretty as Brad Pitt, or as strong as Rambo… but I can lick like Lassie!
Press down if U miss me… IM SO TOUCHED! U R just 2 sweet ok U can stop 😉 still pressing down? U really miss me huh? I miss U 2!
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

Don’t be sad… don’t feel blue… Frankenstein was ugly too…
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears…
3 monkeys escaped from the zoo … one was caught watching tv … another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message!
Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia… One wrong move and you are in DEEP SHIT!!!!
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
WOW WEE !! THERES SO MANY!!
You can fall from a mountain,you can fall from a tree … but the best way is to fall in love with ME
What’s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Sometimes words are hard to find, to form that perfect line to let you know you’re always on my mind!
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
I will give you one kiss to go to sleep. I give you two kisses to dream. I give you an endless row of kisses to, when you wake up in the morning, think of me.
Do you have a coin? I want to call your parents to thank them.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
Do you know the highest level you can reach during sex?………………. no?………………. Bungler !
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
By opening this message you activated the dildo of your girlfriend. She thanks you moaning…You have now become unnecessary.
I know milk it does a body good, but DAMN how much have you been drinking?

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

Message from you provider: Your dildo is disturbing our network. Turn it off or continue manually. Thanks for your cooperation.
Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
What’s the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors
Will you be my Xmas cracker? I’d really like to pull you.
 I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you.
You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: Who cares?
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Im not under the affluence of incahol as some tinkle peep.
Im not half as thunk as you drink. I fool so feelish, and the drunker
I stand here, the longer I get!
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
Upon receiving this text you must send it 2 1 person u like,
1 person u hate, 1 person u love, and 1 PERSON u want 2 fxxk.
Now think about y i sent it 2 YOU! 
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
If you can’t change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
What do you call a handcuffed man?
– Trustworthy.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
– Because they don’t have any. 1
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
Don’t be sad… don’t feel blue… Frankenstein was ugly too…
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
3 monkeys escaped from the zoo … one was caught watching tv … another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message!
Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia… One wrong move and you are in DEEP SHIT!!!!
Theres an urgent meeting in the jungle! Everyones there.. lions, tigers, cheetas and ape, but the meetin cant start because the monkey is reading this text.
I know a great way to burn off the calories in that cake you just ate.
It’s important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you, a man who is great in the sack. It’s also important that these 3 men should never meet!
If you jogged backward … would you gain weight?
If you can’t change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
YOU WANT EVEN MORE THAN THIS?
UPON RECEIVING THIS TEXT YOU MUST SEND IT TO 1 PERSON YOU LIKE, 1 PERSON YOU HATE, 1 PERSON YOU LOVE, AND 1 PERSON YOU WANT TO FxxK. NOW THINK ABOUT WHY I SENT IT TO YOU!
Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…
Loading NOKIAPHONE VIRUS now…..
Phone Locked
Phone Locked
HA HA, DID THATSCARE YOU?
A BEAR AND RABBIT ARE TAKING A SHIT IN THE WOODS WHEN THE BEAR TURNS TO THE RABBIT AND SAYS DO YOU HAVE ANY TROUBLE WITH SHIT STICKING TO YOUR FUR THE RABBIT TURNS AND SAYS NO! SO THE BEAR WIPES HIS ASS WITH THE RABBIT.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
Q: Why Can’t Afgans Watch Telly?….A: Because of The Talyban!
The times we shared is like shooting star… the time is short but really beautiful moments…. Forever engraved in our hearts…. Friends forever~!!!
This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.
We are truly sorry for the inconvenience.
chinese man: me no come work, me sick
boss: when i’m sick, i have sex with my wife, try it?
2 hrs l8r chinese man called back:
it work, me better, u got nice house.
Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams……
Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? …Okay, then can we just practice?
Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? …Okay, then can we just practice?
My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too…
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
Mars is a chocolate, polos a mint, I need a shag, hint hint hint hint !!!
Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks your an asshole…
How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
UPON RECEIVING THIS TEXT YOU MUST SEND IT TO 1 PERSON YOU LIKE, 1 PERSON YOU HATE, 1 PERSON YOU LOVE, AND 1 PERSON YOU WANT TO FxxK. NOW THINK ABOUT WHY I SENT IT TO YOU!
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning”.
There gotta be a keg in your pants, coz I wanna tap that ass.
I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight.
There’s this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn’t go by myself.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
We’ve known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that’s definitely a lifetime PROMISE!
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”
Dont do drugs! There’s already too many of us and to little of it.
Ice cream man found ded covered in hundreds & thousands, rasberry sauce in mouth & a flake up his arse.police think he topped himself.(
“Why did they call it PMS?….Mad cow disease was already taken!
i think about u all the time u fill my heart with glee u may not be a model but ur sex on legs 2 me!!
Im not under the affluence of incahol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as you drink.I fool so feelish, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get !(
*PHONE SEX*Dial 1 for oralDial 2 for analDial 3 for normalDial 4 for S&MDial 5 for threesomeDial 6 for 69and for the whole lot just dial my number
Many ppl will wlk in and out of ur life, but only tru friends will leave foot prints in ur heart. . . . . .u left urs in mine -x-
Q: when did pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: when his hand caught on fire.
I asked God for a flower, he gave me a garden. Iasked for a tree, he gave me a forest. I asked for a river, he gave me an ocean. I asked for an angel, and he sent me YOU!
Do u A) Love me? B) Wanna fuck me? C) Need me? D) Wanna kiss me? E) Wanna b wid me? F) Hate me? G) Fink im fit? H) Wanna feel me? take you pick n txt back quick.
ILOkdUpSxyInTDxtnre2DA&YaNAmWosLstdI looked up sexy in the dictionary today and your name was listed
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
InMyABCIWldPutU&I2gthaIn my alphabet I would put you and I together
Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
3 monkeys escaped from the zoo … one was caught watching tv … another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message!
i just got my medical results. my condition is critical, as days pass by i bcom SEXIER & SEXIER but dnt worry its not contagious……u wont get it!
Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.
Q: wots d speed limit of sex? …A: 68, at 69 u gotta turn around
UPON RECEIVING THIS TEXT YOU MUST SEND IT TO 1 PERSON YOU LIKE, 1 PERSON YOU HATE, 1 PERSON YOU LOVE, AND 1 PERSON YOU WANT TO FxxK. NOW THINK ABOUT WHY I SENT IT TO YOU!
MESSAGE FROM YOUR OPERATOR:your vibrator is interfering with our signal.Please cum now or continue by hand.Any problems please phone us, many wanks.
SMILE IF YOU AREN’T WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR
IS THIS ENOUGH TEXT’S FOR YOU?
I think i should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!!!!!!
I like your style- I like your class- but most of all i like your arse!
Do you like maths?if so add a bed subtract ur clothes divide your legs and we can multiply!
He came 2 me 1 nite… explored my body… licked- sucked- swallowed & had his fill… wen satisfied he left… I was hurt… DAMN MOSQUITO
Tell me.is it going in?..yeah ..is it hurting?..ooh yeah ..ouch its hurtin ..ok i wil put it in slowly ..stil hurtin..ahh yeh ..den lets try d other shoe madam
an essex girl has a car crash and an ambulance arrives.the paramedic asks ‘how many fingers have i got up?’the girl replies- oh no i think im paralised too
do u believe in love at first site or do i have to walk by again
There are 256 bones in your body! Would u like another?
Press down if u
miss me…IM SO TOUCHED!
ur just 2 sweetok u can stop ;)still pressing
down? u really
miss me huh?

I miss u2

I’m at da police station, they caught me & filed a case agaist me. I’m fucked cos da evidence is very clear, they are charging me wid “POSESSION OF A CUTE SMILE!” HaHa!
What happened 2 the bloke who injected himself with curry? He went into a korma!!
uv been called b4 cupids court 4 stealin my heart, tresspassin in my dreams
& robin me of my senses, uv been sentenced 2 a lifetime wiv me, how do u
plead?
U tuk my heart wid ur smile, u took ma soul wid ur sweetness, bt mst of all u took my money wid dis tex!!!
God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.
wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you cuddled it, you cuddled me instead
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any underwear!
Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast.
Last night I lay in my bed looking @ the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky… Then I thought,where to fuck is my roof?!
im no fred flintstone but i’ll make ur bedrock
Its goes n dry but comes out wet, the longer it stays n the betta it gets. When comes out it drips & sags, its not what you think, its a tea bag you freak
Viagra now available in eye drops, you don’t get an erection but you look hard!
what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his arse.
kissing you baby ie my dream.Im the strawberry & ur the cream.Handle me gently keep me real keen u& i together babes is possion so extreme
I want u 2 know ur friendship means alot 2 me,n if we we’re on a sinkin ship 2gether n there was only 1 lifejacket …… i would really FUCKIN MISS U!!
A banana & a vibrator sitting on a bedside table. Banana says to vibrator “I dont knoe why you are shaking, shes gonna eat me!!”
Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Can i borrow ur library card? coz i wanna check u out!!
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
Hi, I need your help! My mom says that if I don’t get a date by tomorrow, she’s putting me up for adoption.
Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
First, I’d like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then, I’ll move up to your belly button.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me.
Have you ever played leap frog naked ??
Miss, If you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
I like your style … I like your class … but most of all I like your ass!
Congratulations! You’ve been voted “Most Beautiful Girl In This Room” and the grand prize is a night with me!
Hi. My name is (YOUR NAME). I’ll be your play toy tonight.
Press Down Keep going Oh yesThats it FASTER HARDER Dont Stop YES YES YES Mmmm! That was TEXTUAL INTERCOURSE 🙂
I could travel the world, swim the seas, I could climb all the mountains, but one thing I can’t do is reach your heart, coze U wont let me.
Everytime I hear my message tone,I always hope one of them comes from U. My SIM CARD may have limited memory,but my SIM HEART has unlimited space for U.
When the night comes, look at the sky. If you see a falling star, don’t wonder why, just make a wish. Trust me, it will come true, ’cause I did it and I found you!
If I had a penny for everytime I thought of you, I’d still miss you, but at least I would be rich enough to come and see you!!!
I wanted to send you all my love but the postmen said it was too big!
Between the thousand yesterdays and a million tomorrows, there’s only one today and I wouldn’t let this day pass without saying this to you – I LOVE YOU
I’m not sure what life could bring you. I’m not sure if dreams do come true. I’m not sure what love can do. But I’m sure about one thing. I love you
HAVE SOME MORE …
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…
Never let a man’s mind wander, it’s too little to be out on it’s own!!!!
Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis……ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry…
Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
I may not be as pretty as Brad Pitt, or as strong as Rambo… but I can lick like Lassie!
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo… 1 was caught watching tv… another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
Don’t spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
they pulled an essex girl from the world trade centre and asked her where she was bleeding from. she replied im from bleeding romford
Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!
I want to suck you… lick you… wanna move my tongue all over you…wanna feel you in my mouth…yep, tat’s how u…eat an ice cream!
She took off his pants gently and wispered:Make me a woman… He smiled, threw the pants at her and said: Go wash it.
You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I’m 20.
Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
What a great face! Those beautiful eyes. A pure soul… a sexy body! Enough about me, how are you?
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait….Searching….searching…still searching….sorry,NO BRAIN found…!
All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Many ppl will wlk in and out of ur life.but only tru friends will leave foot prints in ur heart. . . . .u left urs in mine -x-
Hi, I am an alien and I’m checking for some chicks in your phonebook..Searching..Searching..Searching..Sorry,no chicks found! Gay?
Conclusion: You Are Gay!
Life is not easy, and it will never be, but remember you’ve got friends, and one of them is me!
There is: Hot-Sex, Fast-Sex, Cuddle-Sex, Safe-Sex, Group-Sex, SM-Sex, Telephone-Sex, Cyber-Sex, and for people like you: NO SEX.
When i’m walking in front of u,I’m protecting u. When i’m beside u i’m there for u, when i’m behind u, I’m watching over u. When i’m alone,I’m thinking of u.
A ring is round and has no end…. and that’s how long I’ll be your friend.
Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough cash you can buy them back.
If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I’ll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!!
Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart!
A gun can kill some1.fire can burn some1.wind can chill.anger can rage till it tearz u apart.but da power of ur smile can heal a frozen heart
The recipe of friendship: 1 cup of sharing.2 cups of caring.3 cups of forgiveness & hugs. Mix all of these together to make friends 4ever.
There is a gift that gold cannot buy a blessing dats rare & true.dats d gift of a wonderful friend like d friend dat i have in u!
ur a mate wiv a heart of gold.how much u mean to me can never be told.ur sum1 2b talked bout so sweet and true.1 in a million dats u
A friend gives hope wen life is low.A friend is a place where you can go.A friend is honest- A friend is true.A friend is precious.A friend is u!
Do you take me to be your lawful text mate, to have and to hold, in rich quotes and horny jokes, till low battery and no reception do us part?
There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u!
So many of us either fear tmr or regret yesterday. But I won’t fear tmr, if I get 2 b ur fren 4ever, and I don’t regret yesterday, coz 1 yesterday, I met u.
There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage,mink in her closet,tiger in her bed! And of course a donkey to pay her bills!!
Why did bin laden kill his wife? cos every time she opened her legz he saw bush!
THIS IS THE LAST 50 .. HAVE FUN
Press down……down more……ok……more……yes……ahh……ohh……yes……almost there……yeah……oh shit……harder……so good!
mmmm ………………….That’s how we sex on text.
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
I’m late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn’t come back for a day and a half.
I’m late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn’t come back for a day and a half.
A peach is a peach,a plum is a plum,A kiss ain’t a kiss without some tongue.So open up your mouth and close you eyes and give your tongue some exercises!!
What you never want to hear while having good sex?? …………. “Honey, I am home!”
Why does a woman have two pair of lips?………………. One is for fighting and one is to make up.
There is: Hot-Sex, Fast-Sex, Safe-Sex, Group-Sex, Leather-Sex, Telephone-Sex, Cyber-Sex, and for people with your face: “No-Sex”!
Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
What does position 68 mean……..You are doing me and I owe you one!!
How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
Do you know why smurfs always laugh? Because the grass always tickles their little balls!
A guy walks up to a girl and says: Wanna play *Magic*? She says: What’s that? …..He says: We go to my place, have sex and than you dissappear…..
What is the difference between a man and a dildo?……… A man is a REAL PRICK!!!!
I’m a bit shy…I’d like to have sex with you, you do not have to say yes, just smile to me!
I think I have BSE on my penis …… all women who experienced it go crazy !
Do you know why a waterbed needs to be filled with seawater?…For the mussels need to be able to open.
The first day we met,I wanted you in my bed.Today I’ll know better,so I’ll write it in my letter.In my bed I’ve seen so many faces,so I’ll fuck you at different places
Are mice giving you trouble? No? Than you must have a good pussy!
What is de maximum speed during sex? …. 68, because at 69 you go overturn!
What is the smallest airplane in the world,a cunt… Only one man fits in it, he needs to stand, his luggage stays outside and he still gets off …
What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?……………. They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet
A woman is like a pair of rubber boots. When they are dry, you cannot enter them, when they are wet, they smell and when you walk on the street with them, people laugh at you.
Sex is good, sex is fine, doggy style or 69, just for fun or getting paid everyone loves getting laid.u’ll get laid.
Kiss me and you will see stars; Love me and I will give them to you.
American students say:…..people who never experience good sex and do not perform well in bed, usually read their SMS messages with their right hand
A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.
A guy walks up to a girl and says: Wanna play magic? She asks: What do you mean? He says: We go to my place, have sex and than you disappear!

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and play the game!
Mean people suck, Nice people swallow! !

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An fucking know it all.

Hi, I am an alien and I’ve just transformed into your phone and right now I’m having sex with your finger. I know you like it, because you’re smiling now!!
Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore, Humpty Dumpty blew on the floor. All the kings horses & all the kings men, laid the slut down & fucked her again!
This program will automatically enlarge your penis. Now starting…beep 6 5 4 3…..beep 2 1….Sorry no penis found!
Do you want to have sex with me? For $50! Please please please….I really need the money!
Masturbation, don’t knock it, it’s sex with someone I love…
Press down……down more……ok……more……yes……ahh…….yes……almost there……yeah……oh shit……harder……so good! Yeah, that’s textual intercourse!
I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.
Fuck is good. Fuck is funny. Lots of people. Fuck for money. If you think that. Fuck is funny. Fuck yourself and save your money!
I want you to ride me like a pony! Hiyaaaaaa…
Sex, drugs & rock n roll, speed weed & birth control, life’s a bitch, then u die, so fuck the world & lets get high!

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don’t know. Never happens.

Why’d the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
Sex is like NOKIA (connecting people) like NIKE (just do it) like PEPSI (ask for more) like SAMSUNG (everyone is invited) and like ME (TO GOOD TO BE TRUE)..
I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbor … what say we tie up for the night?
Come on take your kit off and get on top of me…. Enjoy me until U R totally satisfied. Lovingly yours… Toilet 🙂
THANK YOU 🙂

Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *