The human body has 7 trillion nerves. My wife manages to get on every bloody one of them!

Teacher says, “OK class, I’d like you all to tell me what you need at home.
Susie says, “We need a computer”.
Wendy says. “We need a car”.
Johnny says, “We don’t need anything Miss”.
Teacher says, “Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?”
”No Miss, my sister came home with her new Pakistani boyfriend and my Dad said ‘That’s all we bloody need!”

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, “How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!
Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a cat flap!

I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”.
”Don’t be silly”, she said. “You can borrow my iPad”.
That spider never knew what bloody hit it!

The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday’s game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England !

A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him!
 (love it……) 

Kept the best till last……

English Stiff Upper Lip:

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
“You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me… I’m ME!
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?
The Englishman replied, “Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!”